Grateful hearts, prayers, loving gestures and soup

Today, is February 7, 2014

As a Mom I am often finding myself 
in a flurry of thoughts, ideas, concepts, things "to do", etc when the morning coffee has ignited my awake circuits.  And then the day hits in all its glory.  Get in the car, go do this, go do that, get back home, walk the dog, train the dog, make phone calls, clean dishes, laundry, get Daniels laundry done, make more calls, and then kaboom!  That ignition switch turns off and all of those wonderful little creative animals scurry back into the crevices of my brain to hide away until I can handle thinking of them again.

I get tired very easily.  To be a busy Mom is a giant job in itself.  And then to be a Mom of a 16 year old boy with a deformed brain, seizure disorder, gtube feeding schedule, daily therapy routines, nursing, doctors appointments, diagnostic tests, equipment, medication, and endless worries puts me right onto the ledge of "how much more can I take?"

I can't believe its February already. I truly do not understand where January disappeared to and honestly think there is some kind of cosmic conspiracy going on.  Then again, my memory has been questionable and my focus right there with it.  Those moments frustrate me when I see people in the grocery store who I definitely know and yet can not for the life of me remember why.  Usually hours later it hits me, OH YEAH, that's Jonie Smith, little Johnny's Mom from baseball 5 years ago. 

February has been walloped with snow this year.  This week as a matter of fact and that has been nothing short of a giant white chilly blanket of depression.  When you have a 4 week long sinus infection, and chronic fibromyalgia, the cold just stabs you like knives leaving you longing for a hot fire in the woodstove and someone to hug you. 

Its been cold too.  Not just normal winter cold but "ouch" the air hurts cold.  As I walk the dog along the trails we carve out for his little legs in the snow, the one thing I always notice is how brilliant the stars are.  Beautiful really.  I think it is the silence and the lack of leaves that makes the stars more pronounced.  Tonight the moon looked about half size and the snow was almost blue. No need for a flashlight.  My point, you ask?  By finding and holding onto the beauty and peacefulness I am able to sustain myself for the 5 minutes or less that I allow little Henry to pee or poop.  His feet get too cold.

February is suddenly here spitting out red hearts and chocolate displays for Valentines day.  On my desk of mess, lies a fold called "blessings basket".  Its pretty fat at the moment. It contains copies of checks, cards, gestures I've jotted down, and basically everything and everyone that I want to thank. People who have blessed our life with their kindness and loving gestures back to December, maybe even all the way back to Daniels WONDERFUL Birthday Card shower.  Each time I go into CVS or Big Y I look for pretty thank you cards, and pick up one or two.  I have lots of little kind words pop into my mind, and have so many things to say.  But I can't even get myself to comb my hair every day. Getting through this blessings basket is now my biggest goal.  I saw a billboard today with someone I know advertising their business, and thought to myself, wouldn't it be nice to just put Daniel's picture up there and say "THANK GOD FOR ALL OF THESE WONDERFUL PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT US"

Was it a pastor at church that gave a sermon about gratefulness that just stuck in my brain of molasses and fleeting thoughts?  Probably. The extremely important reality is the actual grateful heart that is inside my achy body.  Very grateful.  As I am writing this very blog, I wish I could record the sound of Daniel laughing hysterically on the monitor.  He is just happy, and looking around, like a silly teenager having a giggle fit because they are just so exhausted.  He has been strong this winter.  God's hands have held him with love and protection because not a single cough or fever has presented.  I am so grateful. 

There have been some spectacular miracles in my bubble, or on my "planet" this year.  Many of those miracles are simply people right here in Newtown and Sandy Hook.  People who read my words and realize that they are simply an expression of the love I have for my family.  It is difficult beyond measure to raise children like Daniel.  Some people have a hard time accepting help, accepting kindnesses from others.  But I know that God calls us to care for eachother.  Kindness counts and being thankful counts.  Through caring for others and through receiving care the concept of kindness is nurtured.  It is those who have least that often want to help others.  A thankful heart will do that do a person.  Many people just turn a cheek, because they have their own world to look after.  Each one of us has something.  A sick relative, financial problems, loss of a job, and the list is endless. 

I am digging deep for the words here to express the fact that God gives so much to us.  He blesses our lives with each other, with this place we live, with the food we eat and the clothes on our backs.  Who are we to hold onto everything and turn away from each other when there is need?  I do not just mean giving things, I mean giving of compassion. 

Daniel is a challenge for me.  I am 47 years old and I have dedicated my life to provide him with a life.  I am blessed to have him and he deserves my undivided attention and care.  All of my friends out there also with severely disabled children will nod a giant virtual nod when I say that the world does not help those who sacrifice themselves for the sake of others.  The money is sucked away from some big greedy money vacuum.  The cost of what medically fragile people need, and the stress it puts upon the families causes the unraveling of many families.  Sometimes there is barely money for food and gas.  Other times there is such lack of sleep and illness on my shoulders that I can't function.  There certainly are many days that I just fall down to my knees and pray to Jesus that I can't do this on my own.  He tells me to step out on faith.  I know He is with me.  The spiritual world is all around us.  We can see more miracles with a heart of gratefulness.  Try listing the things you are sincerely thankful for. That list will start with superficial things, and as you go on and on it will evolve into concepts, feelings and emotions.  Suddenly you find yourself thankful for someone who you have never thanked!!!  By thanking them, the karma is fed and miracles can continue. 

To end with a moment of thanks, my friend dropped off a bag full of frozen home made soups today at my door step.  It may sound crazy, but it was very exciting for me to have so many home made soups. I'm not the greatest cook.   But many hands made them, and I think that there is some beauty in that generosity.

We will continue on in the difficult journey.  I know that my pile is high and my burdens are growing.  We don't know where life will take us, because there is no savings plans, or retirement programs, or plans for the future.  There is only tomorrow.  If tomorrow Daniel stays healthy, happy and engaged in life.  Then that has to be enough.  Anything extra is a bonus.  We will probably never have that new kitchen, or leather living room chairs, or get rid of the 1970's wall paper.  But its only a physical house.  As much as I struggle with want, I aspire to being a person who is much more eager to give.  and to thank others.

Tomorrow I will try that Tortilla Soup.  Sounds delicious.

Sinus infection vs haircut

😄church. Decision

It really is funny how on Sunday morning when I am waking up before all of my meds kick in, and before coffee, I groan at the thought of getting out the door by 8:30.  But once Daniels nurse gets here at 7.  And I have guzzled the first coffee, taken my pills, and found some Advil. I start to get a spark.

They say you need church the most when you are fighting yourself on going.  I most enjoy when I go with my daughter too, because she is absorbing so much. I love her positive energy and company. 

Thomas goes to his teen group and Daniel to Special Forces class. 

I typically don't have but 5 minutes to get ready so I'm not real pretty at the 9 am service. I don't mind. 

It reminds me of the things I wrote down last week that I said I wAs going to do for sure this week. We will remind again. 

I'm surrounded by sarcasm and negative jokes from the minute I open my eyes and the house comes alive.   A little peace will do a girl good. 

Going to church is not about a duty or responsibility.  It's about a relationship. So whether you go once or devotedly it's your relationship with God that matters.  He does, however, like us to fellowship together. 

Happiness. Happiness.  Happiness.  Choose happiness Julie. Choose it. Hold it. Don't let it go today. 

So. Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to church we go. 

Will we make it without anxiety and tension, I don't know. Let me find the Advil because I am stiff and sore 

Have a happy day.  Find something that raises your own personal happiness factor. 

Sunday, January 12 2014

Up late

Give me some air

I just want to breathe

I am laying here lonely

Beginning to grieve

For the life that I wanted

I thought we would be

But your angry and distant

Disgusted with me

I am still just the same

Blonde hair girl with a name

I'm just needed now deeply

From someone in pain 

As you snore and you dream

I'm awake and I'm cold

I'm sad with no one to hold

So I care for your son

Watch him here all night long

The dog barks and I cringe

It's the same fucking song

So I sing it again and close my eyes

The barking gets worse

Daniel starts to make cries

Time to get up again and take a deep breath 

The only time I'll be loved 

Is after my death. 

Special Needs Mom's 2014 Goals and dreams, bumping the track of stress

Yeah, so here it is. HAPPY NEW YEAR. 2014

Time to "start the resolutions"

When is minus 2 degrees outside the air hurts to breathe. I don't dare bring Daniel out because he doesn't regulate well.  So its winter and I get it.  We live in a place that is horrendously expensive and has weather that gets too cold to function in.  I wonder how many days out of the year I keep Daniel in the house to protect him from the elements. Probably alot.

The Holidays are over.  They were remarkably uneventful and relatively normal.  It goes without saying that the out going nature in me misses going to Christmas parties, out for dinners, and just doing fun things.  The big event was a trip with the kids to see Frozen.  Daniel really deserved to get out of the house and it was New Years Day.  That trip cost me $47 plus another $20. for food and that was WITH a free coupon for popcorn.   It is incredible to me to that many people go to the movies all the time.  Now, I LOVE movies, but have to watch them when they come to cable.  It's cool.  I almost never can get away anyhow.

Keys are falling off.

Crashes all the time

The holidays are usually a struggle and half ($$$).  This year we managed to get the kids a couple of things that they really wanted, but not everything.  It seemed like they were happy and satisfied and grateful.  Then there was the mysterious IPAD that was shipped anonymously by one of Santa's Elves to Daniel right before Christmas. The person sent it anonymously.   He loves it, and uses it for hours and hours.  The pay it forward, "acts of Kindness" runs rampant in this area.  I am so grateful for that gift for him, because there is no way we could afford one.  In fact, my laptop is an 9 year old Dell Inspiron that is slowly dying.  My dream lap top is a MAC book, because I would really like write more, and publish more videos.  My new years resolution is to become better at video blogging and making interesting videos.  However, it is virtually impossible on this old clunker.  My laptop is missing the R key.  What I type, I have to press ten times hard where the R used to be and it works.

Live to dream

I'm dreaming of a MacBook

Live to Dream

I don't know what to say about my goals and dreams.  I have them. Such as the big one, enroll in an RN accelerated program, start working out at a gym again, write down more information and ideas about how to take better care of Daniel, become a better wife and mother, get healthy,  and get myself a new lap top, and a new sophisticated video camera.   And I have already started the number one goal, which is to get my butt to church more often and make Christmas bigger than just the holiday.

So it sounds like its feasible yes?  It would all be perfect and I could be happier and healthier.  My kids especially Daniel would have a better life because I could provide more. I would have self satisfaction and self esteem improvement.  I would develop a new career that I love which would be flexible, that I could take with me to Florida someday. (SOMEDAY I DREAM)   I would look better.  I would sleep better.  I would have technology at my fingertips and it would allow me to do so much more for my family and for others.   So one of the biggest prayers I have, is asking God how can I get to this place when I don't have a

penny to my name.  The financial pressure and stress sucks my cash, and my energy. I have an insurance license for property and casualty but I completely dislike selling insurance.  I'm sick most of the time.  I am at least 70 pounds overweight.  The gym cost too much money.  Walking is ridiculously out of the question on a consistent basis. (um minus 2???)    I have zero credit because we are still dealing with serious issues from past debt and medical bills.  My cars are falling to pieces, well, mostly the Windstar.

This, my friends, is just an example.  Have a goal, hit a wall.  Have a dream? Feel it die. Want to progress? It all cost money.  But the real hard part is Daniel.  Daniel could be enrolled in swimming programs and be stronger. If I could afford it.  Daniel would have better therapy, and would go to external programs that would help him stand better, get stronger, move more.  Daniel would have more technology and more time for learning.  Daniel would be 100 times more advanced than he is, if I just had the time and money and health.   I look at him sometimes and I feel sick to my stomach because he has so much potential to do SO MUCH more and I just can't get to that point.

I DONT KNOW HOW TO CARRY DANIEL ACROSS THE GAP!!!!

People let me tell you something, it is not a cliche or a robotic repetitive whine when I tell you that I want so much for my family, my children, my life, my marriage, my community, my world.  But raising a human being who is 100% reliant on you for their complete life and needs, is a BIG DEAL.

All of the things I dream for.  Wish for. Try to plan for. Fall tragically by the wayside because the resources are so lacking.  Just paying the basic life expenses is rough.  You want to stay in your house? Well, yes, I do because the schools are outstanding for Thomas, and Daniel is still a part of the schools, and we couldn't sell it if we wanted to anyhow.  Plus it is modified for accessibility, partly.

Hear me. Please.  I have goals that to many would simply be the swipe of a credit card, done.  The writing of a check, there you go.  But I am stuck in a perpetual rythym of stress that prevents any of the next steps from progressing.  It's about money.  It's about health.  It's about exhaustion from trying.

My blood pressure is high now, and I am on a pile of medications for "stuff".  It's ridiculous because our medical costs are rising for Daniel, and for Julie.  It could be the other way around.  Yes.  A laptop, the mortgage, a reliable car, a new education, a commitment to health, and I will say, etc.   Yes my world would flip upside down if I could break the cycle.

But how do I do that?  How?  SuperMom only has so many waking hours.  Every penny is needed just to feed us and keep us warm.   How do I grab those dreams and push forward for my son.  FOR MY SON, when I can't even get credit enough, or a loan, or a job.   I rattle and shake myself trying to figure it out.  They say "you are doing such a great job taking care of Daniel Julie."  Thank you, I say.  But in my head I think NO.  NO I'M NOT. His hamstrings are tight, he needs to be in water, he needs to do more, see more, learn more.  There are thousands of things I could be doing for him.

And all I can do, is take a nap, and pray that my debit card works because I need to pick up prescriptions.  Perhaps there is a helping force out there that could bump me onto the track of my dreams and goals.  I was there once in my life.  Bump me into a place where things are possible, and my enthusiasm and hope returns. Perhaps in a Dr. Suess kind of world I would find someone to lift my dust spec up and save me.

It's minus 2.  My laptop just crashed twice.  My pointer finger hurts from hitting that R key.  I have stress because of the above mentioned things and I am going to spend the next hour trying to destress and get my blood pressure down.   Sigh.  Where is my bump to my dreams?

Daniels Finger Print Tree

Trouble maker pulls his feeding tube!!!

Disillusionment

I am not having a day full of joy. I want that, but sometimes even the happiest of days can turn sour in a heart beat.  I wasn't supposed to be alone at the mall today.  I was supposed to be having a joyful day with my husband.  But.  Bing bang boom. Yadda yadda. I'm alone. 

I would like to ask you dear Santa to put a good word in for us. Lol.  My heart is happily waiting for my daughter to meet me here at this mall. Where I am feeling sad and in need of a hug. 

This is a hard time of year.  And the best time of year.  I wish I could buy stuff here.  But instead I am just dizzy and hungrily and needing someone to rescue my heart.  And here comes Sarah. God is good. 

My little Sandy Hook at night (+playlist)

The Daniel Factor

The mystery of Daniel carries on. Bloodwork is all normal (YAY) but he was crying out in pain today several times, really crying, as if he was hurting very badly. So Jan 2 he has an appointment to see the orthopedic because his P T at school thinks maybe its his hip? He's a decent hypothesis. I can't tell you how much I hate when he cries like that, I get so upset and agitated.

The Daniel Factor, that is what we call it.  The random unexpected unexplainable rapid changes in Daniel's physical state, or emotional state.  The Daniel Factor.

Its December 13, 2013 and I as m freezing cold, its late, and Daniel just fell asleep.  When he falls asleep, then I fall asleep.  Or I try to.  Most nights I have to take a Klonopin to be able to knock off into a doze.  It's a sad state of affairs really.

Yes, the Daniel Factor. What will tomorrow hold.  We shall wait and see.  In the meantime, lets have have winter storm named Electra and freeze our butts off.  Snow.  I am not thrilled. Brrrrrrrrr.

On living in Sandy Hook, a reflection of thought

On living in Sandy Hook, a reflection of thought

It's cold. The sun is gently shining and reflecting off some chunks of snow still left on the tree limb outside the window where I'm sitting.  I have just pulled myself away from facebook.  There are link after links of touching videos, articles, stories, and pictures of the lives so violently taken from our little town.  Our collective focus is reaching out once again to unite us in thought and bring us together so that mentally we don't have to face our fears and grief by ourselves.  There was a giant crack in the universe on December 14, 2012.   Evil came in through the crack, smashing in the glass and destroying love.   Little people, and loving adults taken in merely minutes and seconds.  Leaving behind a feeling of hopeless helplessness. as we just pushed ourselves though day after day.  The winter ended, the Spring came, the sun brought a beautiful spring and summer and hopelessness had transcended into helping hopefulness as the true human spirit emerged and our community embraced the concept of honoring those lost by being kind, choosing love, and paying it forward.

That is Mac the Monkey, he came to visit

We, my husband and three children,  live but a few miles from Sandy Hook School, where two of my children attended for their elementary years.  We live less than a mile from the home of the young man who went crazy with evil intent and drove to that school never to come out alive.  We see the balloons on street signs, sadly blowing back and forth in the wind reminding us of a special child's birthday.  We drive by the homes of the heart broken families every single day, multiple times, and always think of them.  Always. Every time.  We attend church together, we pray together.  Siblings go to school together.  We go to the Big Y and see one of the Mom's doing her shopping get stopped by a friend, and given a hug.  And we keep going about our daily business.  But sometimes you find yourself reminded, and it is as if we are tied to this place by both our grief and our love for each other.

Our children have been altered forever as they cross the the next channel to the other side of their new grade, new class, new friends, and on to college.  It can be really hard to explain the sick knotted lump we feel each time we drive through the center of  Sandy Hook, because sometimes it just has no descriptive definition using words.  It just is.

Living here, as we have since 1994, has been a blessing.  Two of our three children have had a life enriched with community, great educators, music, theatre,  spiritual love, sports, security, and great friends.  So many happy child hood memories.  And now, their elementary school has become somewhat of an American Horror Story location.  Sucking away those memories and replacing them with visual images of brutality and bullets.  We try to return to the happy memories, but as humans, doing that still breaks our hearts.  They walked those halls, went to those classes, knew that school as their comforting home for all of those days of their childhood.

Living here we try to grab hold of that life line which is hope.  We encourage each other with warmth and kindness.  We turn away respectively and give people their privacy to grieve and to experience what they need to experience as human beings.  We know each and every name of the 26 lives lost that day, and we will never forget those names for the rest of our lives.

For me, living here has been a road of ups and downs.  Prior to 12/14 our neighbor tragically lost their son on 11/8/08,  and grief was already living on Bennetts Bridge Road.  Prior to that, about 28 years ago, my direct neighbor Betty lost her sweet 3 year old daughter Bridget, struck and killed by a car on Bennetts Bridge Road.  Grief already lives here. And as a very active member of the Special Needs community and support groups, I can not even tell you how many children we have had to say goodbye to who have the same condition as Daniel, or who are sick with other conditions.

Living here,  there is life with Daniel.  The one of my two children who never attended Sandy Hook School because he was too medically fragile to be mainstreamed.  Daniel always came with me though, and many families remember me always trying to get Daniel's wheelchair into a classroom where an event was taking place.  Daniel was always so happy to be there.  Sarah and Thomas were always the kid "with the brother in the wheelchair".

In my home, especially in the winter time, I feel a great urge to let melancholy and depression just sink in like a cold avalanche of snow.  And yet, I too grab onto the life line.  Daniel is now 16 years old.  Our life is far from normal. I'm under tremendous pressure every day.  I worry about seizures and respiratory arrest especially when he is at school and I am not there.  Daniel is a magical child, who has captured the hearts of so many Newtown children and adults.



And it spread to the entire world when we had a card shower for him, and he received almost 900 birthday cards, and gifts.   Yes, I wrote 900.

Daniel does not have the same emotional connection to 12/14 that so many other children do.  He doesn't have the cognitive understanding of what happened that day.  He probably remembers how sick he was last December 14th, but really he is just as simple as knowing what makes him happy, and what fascinates him.  Perhaps I underestimate him.  But I like to believe that he is a protected spirit bringing love and light into our world.  He doesn't have to feel many of the complicated emotions and fears that the rest of us do, and that is not a bad thing really.

Growing up in Newtown, CT

Living here in Sandy Hook, CT, tucked away in our house on Bennetts Bridge Road, we are doing what everyone else is doing. Continuing to proceed.  However, we have new priorities in our hearts, or stronger focus in our minds, of being kind to others.  It is critical in the human spirit to stay happy by helping others, by paying it forward.  I believe that God, and the spirit of God, works through us, through our relationship with the living God, to spread His love and good works.  Opening your heart to let kindness in, allows that space and light for God to fill you with his love.   And we can do this, while we grieve.  We can continue on.
Living here in Sandy Hook, CT can feel like an anomoly at times.  Ironically a mix of very different people on very different paths.   Some people are extremely wealthy and still maintaining a life that is self focused, but others have changed and are realizing that their very neighbors may need help.  The stories of kindness on Facebook, are amazing.  People are starting to pay attention to helping their neighbors.  To slowing down and really "seeing" who we live with.


As a Mom, living here, in this house, struggling to stay on top of the needs of a very fragile son, I often wish that there was more I could do for others.  I can hardly pay my mortgage, and Christmas is a time of stress and anxiety.  But 900 birthday cards???   Obviously my son, without even trying, has brought something special to so many people.   I can share his love, I can let people know how much the Special Needs community needs help.  Many families are very proud, but they are struggling.  And if people could just realize the magic, and life changing force that a child like Daniel and so many others have, they would be touched and changed forever.

We are here.  In this house.  With this boy. Who is non verbal. In a wheelchair.  And very fragile. He is finally doing well in a December (the past two have been in the hospital) So if that is the Christmas gift this year, we will take it. It's cold. We can't go out with him. His van doesn't drive well in snow and he can't tolerate the cold temperature.  What can I do?  Just think about the little drummer boy, and it will come to you.

What is it like to live here in Sandy Hook, CT?  Its beautiful.  Simply beautiful.  Evil will never win here.  Love wins.  We really do choose love.  I hope you will too, where ever you live.

Julie Hasselberger

12/12/13

When Looking Away Is The Most Compassionate Thing We Can Do | Cognoscenti

When Looking Away Is The Most Compassionate Thing We Can Do | Cognoscenti

Sleep study sleep deprived need sleep (+playlist)

Daniel having extreme fits when transitioning

THERE IS A DOG IN MY BED MOM

HUMP DAY, DANIEL SAYS WHAT HE THINKS (+playlist)

Daniel turns 16 THE BIG DAY!!

December already? We just had Thanksgiving!!!!

December 2, 2013

A Monday morning it is, gray and dismal I think.  Adding insult to injury the septic truck just came and cleaned out our septic! Now the three words are gray, dismal, and stinky.  But somethings we have to do are simply stinky, but necessary.

Thanksgiving was alot of work for me physically.  I cleaned and moved furniture and sorted and cleaned again.  The fibromyalgia is so bad right now that I could hardly move on Thanksgiving morning.  But I overdosed on Advil and pushed myself.  It was nice to see family, and especially nice for Daniel who can see his family and also be in his home with his nurse.  Daniel is now 16 years old, and yes he had a spectacular birthday!!!  Lots of birthday cards came, and I am STILL working on them, but he has a giant mural of them in his room and some of them will be framed and put into scrap books for him to enjoy.  He loves looking at them.

I ate way too much pie.  Just had to say that.  After everyone had left, I had lots of pie.  I am feeling depressed so having a giant apple pie in my face was not particularly a good idea.  Oh well.

Daniel is doing pretty well. He just is not sleeping through the night.  He is having sleep study this month, to see if there is any apnea going on at night. I suspect, as does his pulmonologist at CCMC that he is having breathing issues at night.

Needless to say, I'm basically exhausted all the time.  When I can get a good solid nap in, I feel somewhat healed from the fatigue.  I did see a rhumatologist recently, but I just don't have the time to follow up on all of the things they want me to do right now.  I'm a pretty sick lady.  Kind of a hot mess really.  But I push myself through it.

One of the things I loved about the cards, was how many were sent from the support group families.  It touched my heart really really deeply.  They know.  They understand.  This journey is not a solo journey.... I think it is like a virtual giant NYC marathon of families all over the world.   We are all at different points in the race, but we are moving along facing very similar challenges.

Daniel is the love of my life.  As are my other children.  But he just has something in those eyes that is so pure, innocent, and true.  He brings out the best in me, that's for sure.

So where are we today, on December 2, 2013?  Daniel is at school with his nurse, Marques.  Thomas is at school at Newtown Middle School, he is in 7th grade, he's my little Baritone sax playing prodigy.  Sarah is back to college after 5 days home for the Thanksgiving break. She will have finals soon, and its amazing how fast the semester went by.  Henry is napping in his crate.  The cats are sleeping.  John is at work, he works at Hologic in Danbury, (breast imaging equipment people).  And Julie? Well....  I am sitting at my desk, in the quiet, writing.  By my side is an enormous PILE of bills, cards to send, and a list of people I have to call. Bloodwork, endocrine, flu shot, follow ups....  I am completely overwhelmed with how much everything costs, and simply trying to juggle it all.

I'm shivering.  I don't know why because it's warm in here.  It's all consuming, and quite depressing because I never get to the finish line of anything.  In front of me, in a file holder is a folder that says, "Nursing College", my biggest dream is to go back to school and get my BSN.  However, it is the farthest dream from reality right now.  I have too many issues in my house to contend with.

So carry on through this Monday morning, as gray and dismal as it is.  I wish I had the stamina to search Cyber Monday sales.  Christmas will just have to wait..

I'm sure I gained weight over Thanksgiving, when you are depressed, stressed, and have to walk on eggshells all the time, food becomes an obsession.  Yes, I need therapy with this obsession.  I wish I could get like, Oprah Winfrey, or Dr. Phil, or some famous person to scoop me up, put me on TV with all of my life story, and fix me.   I would love that.

Instead, I am going to spend time doing what is the best thing.  Praying.  Praying. Praying.  Time to go.  I need to upload videos to my Youtube channel, Julie Hasselberger.

Have a wonderful day friends.  Please do something kind for someone else today.  Acts of kindness are necessary food for the soul.