Wednesday morning, staring spells, the Hallway of doors and keys to resolution

Wednesday 8:01AM     November 6, 2013

Today started out with me so grateful to have Thomas offer to take the puppy outside.  I woke up, said a prayer, found a nice video prayer on YouTube.  Meditated for a few minutes.  Took my daily pile of medications and went to get some coffee.  Typically in the morning, I get up quickly and take the puppy outside right away, then I come in, feed the dog and make sure Thomas is all set.  Thomas is pretty independent.

Before I even take the dog out, I always check on Daniel and change his diaper because 99% of the time its a badly needed situation.  Today included.  After Thomas gets himself on the bus about 6:40am I begin getting Daniel ready for school.  I get him dressed, lift him into his chair and if the nurse isn't there yet I will start the meds and prepare the feeding pump for the day.

Today, Daniel was having one of his "bad" mornings where he cries alot and just seems very uncomfortable. The dog, Henry, was wandering the house but I couldn't get him because Daniel was so upset.  Then I heard screaming of my name coming from upstairs. I will refrain from the obscenities but the dog had a poop accident on the floor next to Daddy's bed.  Of course I was screamed at, did you feed him, did you take him out, do we have any carpet shampoo, get it for me now,  you know.  It's stressful I guess when the dog poops while you are trying to get dressed for work.  But really, why do I have to be the one at fault for every single mishap.

I decided that I didn't care.  And kept tending to Daniel who was acting kind of weird.  And by that time Henry was sitting at my feet looking kind of sheepish.  My gut tells me that when Thomas took Henry out, Henry did not fully do his "business".  He probably rang the "bells" on the door but no one was around to hear it. It's not his fault.  He is 5 months old.

My day flipped upside down in the blink of a flash and now I've got that sad sick feeling in my stomach again.  That "no matter what I do, you will never stop the mean nasty tone and lack of compassion for what you do to me" feeling.   And yet, today I have many things to do, including some work for Allstate and getting groceries.  That's a laugh.

Daniel was looking a bit bizarre once I wheeled him into the kitchen, just a funny look on his face so I took a video of him.  At the end of the video he fell into a short staring seizure, or spell, whatever you call it.  I wasn't comfortable sending him to school today.  It's good to have video coverage because you can send it off to the Neurologist.

Daniel.  I have to get back into the mood I was in, when I first opened my eyes today.  As always I check my stupid bank account, its an obsession of fear.  AND then I prayed via a prayer I found.  Through writing, as I am doing now, I can journey my way back to peace and out of the sad sick feeling that I have.  I will take the goodness of the universe and place it in my hands, hold it to my heart and let it warm me and fill  my mind with positive thoughts.  Positive focus.  Positive healing.  We all have a choice.  Choose Happy?  Choose sad??  Choose ANGRY??  Choose complacent?  Whatever.  As human beings we are actually strong enough to make the choice.

It's not designed to be easy.  Sometimes you even need to get some help to "choose" your way, to a better place.  But denial locks the door to choice.  Seals the deal.  Cuts the life line.

I have to call doctors today, schedule things like a sleep study for Daniel and a review of the EEG that we had done recently.  Positive results will come from my efforts.  I have to do this.  I have to push away the mean things, the hurtful things, the anger, the sarcasm, the lack of money, the lack of resources, the lack of independence, and do ALL that I can, to make the light shine bright on the things I have control over.  And also turn on the light to the hallway of doors where the keys to resolution can open them up, only if, and I mean ONLY if you have a positive heart and a spirit of faith and optimism.  I don't thing negativity ever brings anyone closer to a better life.   So, that being said, I'm grateful that I am a positive person.

Shine bright my light Lord.  Please keep my spirit and my faith strong.  I am only a 47 year old woman.  Not anything more.  It's your love that makes me strong and special.

My bad day

Today is Sunday December 11, 2011.  I'm tired from lugging up Christmas decorations from the basement.  My heart isn't into it. And my legs feel heavy. This year is not feeling like holiday cheer for me...not yet anyhow. Today as we were about to take him out for a walk...he projectile vomitted. Which is a huge problem, because he had a surgical procedure to prevent this from happening. Why? Because he aspirates when this happens. And I found myself right back in "Daniel factor" mode.... call the doctor, get the zofran, pedialyte, congestion? Fever?    As it is, I have to take him for a spinal xray this week for the scoliosis.  I feel like I am doing a good job with him....but there is always more you wish you could be doing.  Sarah and Thomas have wish lists...  and so most people, for that matter....but Daniel???   Daniel can't tell me what he wishes for.  He can't tell me when he feels nauseaus or if something is hurting him.  Day after day after day....he is 14 years old....and I love him so much... but today I'm ....well...just kind of blank and sad.  I know I have to pray. But sometimes...I just sit in the darkness.  and think.   We put the tree into the stand. Put the candles in the windows.  Even set up my Christmas village.  But I don't feel a relief from my never ending gut feeling of fear...  fear that something else is going to go wrong.  Fear about the financial pressures here.  Fear that I am not healthy and will get sick.  I guess its natural...when you live with a medically fragile son.  And I guess I just talked myself into every reason why I SHOULD be praying, right?


"Lord, please, grant me with the ability to stay motivated, stay positive, and continue with resilience to fight this fight I am in..  Thank you for the many many blessings you have given us.  Please care for the children and their families who are burdened so heavily just for the sake of wanting to live.   Thank you for loving me, and for giving your precious son to us...  Please God...help me to remember that Jesus is the best gift.  And in times that are so tight...he is our light and salvation...  thank you.  I am so humbled and grateful."


With love Julie

Last Year's Tree...    I have work to do still....

Now...back to Daniel's side I go.   Maybe tomorrow I'll put lights on the tree.  Maybe tomorrow I'll be in the hospital praying for healing.  Who knows.  who knows.

Stepping out on faith prayer

Dear God, You will hear my prayers as I go to sleep tonight.  I pray Lord that you guide me into light.  Please provide a miracle, a life line.  Open hearts and open minds.  New beginnings.  Wounds to be healed.  Please please secure my home, my cars our home. That we may safely provide and care for our children...and have a place  to raise them without constant fear and worry.  Bless my Daniel, that he will have yet another restful night without seizures and will wake happy.

Help me be a good mother and a good wife.  Take away pain and replace with perserverence.  I need to step out on Faith Lord.  And I am stepping out by asking for your help.

Amen

ARE YOU LISTENING??

Today I came across a file full of things I have written in the past.  How I got to this one, on this appropriate day of need...and isn't it funny that I need exactly $2100 at this moment...  well...just read...   

Julie Hasselberger

written July 2008

The Amazing Language

Are YOU LISTENING??

For those who are believers it is no coincidence that the car in front of you has a bumper sticker that says “Got Jesus”  Or that when you turn on the radio the song you hear is “you raise me up” by Josh Groban even though that song has not been in the top 40 for a very long time.  Or you pray about a dear friend and suddenly you get an email or a phone call from that person.  That a card in a store will jump out at you with a biblical quote so perfect for your life at that moment.  That you reach into your jewelry box and always pick up your cross first. That a store clerk will notice your “faith” necklace.  That you stop on a Christian channel and actually listen to the message of the pastor.

Sometimes when you look around your life and look for the language of God you will start to see it.  If you believe it is there.  He speaks to you in a language that goes hidden to those who are self absorbed non believers.

Isn’t it amazing that although you don’t have riches to spare, you have a prayer of thanks over a simple meal.

And when you can barely pay your bills, you pray for help and a check for $2100 appears in your mail box.  And when you pray for Jesus to speak to your heart, you step into a tank of water in front of a hundred people to show your love for Jesus.  And he moves your heart to tears.

The language of love. The language of the heart.  When a beautiful Christian song brings you shaking to tears of love…   as opposed to the chitter chatter music of lyrics that mean nothing.

Prayers for the simple ability…. To exit. To be in the moment..  God speaks to us through a bird landing on the deck, through a beautiful sunrise, through our ability to see these things..  and realize that He is all around us.  In us, in our souls and minds.

I see angels, I see messages that make me have hope, I see bumper stickers everywhere that say “Jesus is Real”, “Believe”, “Miracles Happen”…

I hold my disabled child in my arms and I know that He is a child of God…too.  Just like all of us.  That through my faith, my strength, and my soul I can listen to the language that is being spoken to me.

Sometimes our sick world drowns the language…  with non believers, with anger, with stress, with selfish indulgences, and we don’t even realize the trap of the ego.   People who complain, whine, and whimper over their own problems. Worry, despair, loss of faith.  All of these things drown out the language of life.   

Peace… find a really peaceful place..  be grateful..and really look for all the things you are grateful for.  Open your eyes to all that is good, all that is wonderful…  all that is peaceful.  Pray to God to speak to your heart.  Pray for Jesus to teach you how to live. If you believe in some other force of life, pray to that force to help you. But don’t let the evils of self pity pull you away from the wonders that are a gift to you.  Look at how miraculous our world is…and is there a doubt that life is amazing?

I find, that when I find the place of peace.  The language is louder than ever.   I know that I have a place in this world, as a Christian, as a loving part of a purpose driven world.  I believe He speaks to me…and I choose to listen.  Do You.   Do you REALLY LISTEN?  Do you REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY listen.  Stop.  Be completely in the moment.  Let go of ego.  Say to yourself.  I AM.  I simply AM.   All that is within me…is life.   I am a part of the ebb and tide of the life force.  I AM.  Let it go.   Live.  Be alive.

As I write this, I look out my window at a fabulous yellow day lilly growing right outside of my window.  And a bird that has landed near it.  The green of the trees, the colors of my flowers.   And inside, the sounds of my heart…the children I have brought into this world…that I am so grateful for.

And the aches and pains that I felt when I woke up…are replaced with a grace and strength to work through it and trust in the language of God’s love and plan for me. 

Listen.  Listen to life…get beyond your ego…and really listen.  There is still time to change.  Still time to believe.  Still time to heal. Still time to live.

See that?   This morning…  Sarah (12 years old) was watching a touching video about Jesus….and it almost brought me to tears, inspiring me to write this even though I have a million “things” to do.. I chose to sit and write this down.

And it changed the course of my direction this morning,   Because I chose to listen when God speaks.

Do you?   Do you listen?  Let go of your pain, problems, self pity, ego, worries, fears, negativity…   let it go…if even for one moment.   And look for something beautiful that you never noticed before.

That something is probably right in front of your face.   And you now…are listening.  Keep listening.   Keep believing.

July 19, 2008