The Support Beam.

The feelings I contain do not prevail in relevance
I'm in this on my own
Alone and holding up the camp of many others
I place both hands upon the ceiling
And with what strength I have left I keep the building steady

And they come and and they go
And they laugh and they fight...around me

But I am here. They have no fear. Until life is faced without me.

Julie Hasselberger
1/18/12

What will happen if the roots give way???

Dear God,

I pray today that in my weakness which is also my strength you will lighten this load that I hold up. My shoulders are so tired Lord. My hands are aching with the pressure of just holding up the needs of so many. Lord you gave your son so that I could be saved. How could I possibly be worthy of that. Lord I humble my needs and humble myself and ask that you forgive me and hold me up as your daughter.  I know Lord...deep inside the depths of my heart that I may be holding up the fortress of these figurative walls...but Lord you are beneath me. My brace. And I thank you. I praise you. I give all I have and all I am to you Lord. Its been a rough ride lately...with illness and financial pressures and struggles that just hurt the heart and test the soul........Lord...you readily have proven, justified your goodness and you have provided and sustained me.  Today my therapist told me that my current life...they way I am living emotionally is mentally "unsustainable".  And I just pray Lord that you will help me process this.  I do not know what to do. I need you Lord.  I know you hear prayer and through the magic of my words I present prayer not only in my mind but in my words.

Look after the children this evening, Lord... the children who are suffering...who can't speak, who can't eat, who have trach tubes, who have trouble walking, who can't walk at all, who are disfugured, who are deaf, who are blind who are g tube fed....or who have emotional scars that are tearing their little hearts apart. I pray for the children...and I pray for the caregivers that you will touch hearts and move mountains.  Make your miracles known Lord... please.  This is my prayer.

In your glorious name.

Amen.


January18, 2012

My bad day

Today is Sunday December 11, 2011.  I'm tired from lugging up Christmas decorations from the basement.  My heart isn't into it. And my legs feel heavy. This year is not feeling like holiday cheer for me...not yet anyhow. Today as we were about to take him out for a walk...he projectile vomitted. Which is a huge problem, because he had a surgical procedure to prevent this from happening. Why? Because he aspirates when this happens. And I found myself right back in "Daniel factor" mode.... call the doctor, get the zofran, pedialyte, congestion? Fever?    As it is, I have to take him for a spinal xray this week for the scoliosis.  I feel like I am doing a good job with him....but there is always more you wish you could be doing.  Sarah and Thomas have wish lists...  and so most people, for that matter....but Daniel???   Daniel can't tell me what he wishes for.  He can't tell me when he feels nauseaus or if something is hurting him.  Day after day after day....he is 14 years old....and I love him so much... but today I'm ....well...just kind of blank and sad.  I know I have to pray. But sometimes...I just sit in the darkness.  and think.   We put the tree into the stand. Put the candles in the windows.  Even set up my Christmas village.  But I don't feel a relief from my never ending gut feeling of fear...  fear that something else is going to go wrong.  Fear about the financial pressures here.  Fear that I am not healthy and will get sick.  I guess its natural...when you live with a medically fragile son.  And I guess I just talked myself into every reason why I SHOULD be praying, right?


"Lord, please, grant me with the ability to stay motivated, stay positive, and continue with resilience to fight this fight I am in..  Thank you for the many many blessings you have given us.  Please care for the children and their families who are burdened so heavily just for the sake of wanting to live.   Thank you for loving me, and for giving your precious son to us...  Please God...help me to remember that Jesus is the best gift.  And in times that are so tight...he is our light and salvation...  thank you.  I am so humbled and grateful."


With love Julie

Last Year's Tree...    I have work to do still....

Now...back to Daniel's side I go.   Maybe tomorrow I'll put lights on the tree.  Maybe tomorrow I'll be in the hospital praying for healing.  Who knows.  who knows.