What's new and all that jazz for today....

Sarah Hasselberger Graduiating June 22, 2013 from Newtown Highschool

Today is Tuesday, March 26th.  Every day I have a reminder on my phone that says "Daniel Blog done today?" And with all great intention I do wish I would get in here.  But here I am.  It is a TOTALLY gross gloomy day.  Sky is gray.  Trees, gray.  Ground, gray and mucky.  Spots of dirty snow here and there. Chilly outside and damp to the core of my achy bones!

Daniel is one hell of a spectacular miracle child because I really can't believe how healthy he is now after all of the December trauma with the surgery, and the Pancreatitis.  But he's been released to standing again.  And the goal, my goal, our goal, is to get him gradually more mobilized again.  How exactly depends on how this new spine of his reacts and responds.  But his legs are weak.  

So.  Many many many many doctors appointments lay booked on my calendar, which can be very stressful to navigate around the other things happening in the Hasselberger Family life.

Sarah and college.  She has been accepted at several colleges and her favorite at the moment is Hofstra.  My favorite for her as well.   But even with merit grants etc we still have a large out of pocket expense.  So I am sitting here looking at a giant pile of scholarships.  Praying that its all going to come together.  She is bright and shiny this girl.  So smart, working so hard all of the time.  School work, singing, dancing, viola, acting and all that jazz.  She is leaning towards a major in business and drama.  Maybe a minor in musical theatre?? But its not completely decided yet nor should it be.

It's a strange thing, watching Sarah get ready to go off to college, and knowing that Daniel would have been just two years behind here.  He seems so much younger than his age.

I'm confident that if I bust my ass just alittle bit more I will be able to swing it.  Thank God for college savings plans.

Gosh its so gray.  Depressing really.  Sandy Hook is depressing right now.  I can't say its easy to "find a happy place" around here.  People are trying, so much kindness.  But it is eerie here.  And sad.  My neighborhood is the part of town where several of the angels lived.  Its also where the killer lived.  That does something to your mental state.  It is unavoidable.

Well, I have to get back on track with search for grants for Sarah, and continuous searching for help with Daniel/home expenses because I can't work full time.  Even when and if I can, I have been out of the workforce for so long that my MBA and all of those years of HR expertise and ignored.  That too is unavoidable and frustrating.

I have a dream.  My dream is this.  Daniel has a financially secure home and all that he needs with NO medical bills for him and the family.  AND also in that dream is watching my children go to college and make a life for themselves.  They have had a challenging life.  Alot of pain and struggle.  But alot of love.

And when time goes by a little bit more, Daniel is still here with us.  Should we ever be able to retire, he will be with us.  Ensuring that his life is accommodated for... also part of that dream.

It's an uphill battle.  I am fighting off the demons while I climb Julie mountain pushing a wheel chair.  All I know, and what I believe is that God has a wonderful plan for us at the end of this uphill journey.  When we get to the top we will have a lifetime of accomplishment to look back down upon.  All of these challenges, as hard as they are, are life lessons.   I have faith.  But when it is gray, and gloomy.  And your body hurts because you are ill with fibromyalgia and too exhausted to care for yourself, and the pile of bills and lists of things to research and advocate for keeps growing...  well ...  it's hard to see the blue sky through these gray yucky clouds.  But its there.  I believe that the Lord will provide.  I don't know how that will happen, and it can't be on my request, but He will.

Maybe today the blue sky will come out.  Maybe today I will get a slap in my head that says..."Julie start exercising".  Maybe today something unexpected and horrible will happen.   Unexpected and horrible, is not just a concept in Sandy Hook anymore.

Sometimes I just want to get in my car and drive to the ocean.  And sit there all day staring at the sea.  Just daydream and let life give me peace.  

That's today.   A Mother's journey.  Onward to a fragmented myriad of tasks and to do's....all of them for my children.  I am not a good climbing point on Mount Julie.  It's a slippery slope and I have no tools or security other than putting my arms out in faith while Jesus throws me a life line.

 Life can be full of adventures.  Someday we pray that we will get him walking again like he used to.

ARE YOU LISTENING??

Today I came across a file full of things I have written in the past.  How I got to this one, on this appropriate day of need...and isn't it funny that I need exactly $2100 at this moment...  well...just read...   

Julie Hasselberger

written July 2008

The Amazing Language

Are YOU LISTENING??

For those who are believers it is no coincidence that the car in front of you has a bumper sticker that says “Got Jesus”  Or that when you turn on the radio the song you hear is “you raise me up” by Josh Groban even though that song has not been in the top 40 for a very long time.  Or you pray about a dear friend and suddenly you get an email or a phone call from that person.  That a card in a store will jump out at you with a biblical quote so perfect for your life at that moment.  That you reach into your jewelry box and always pick up your cross first. That a store clerk will notice your “faith” necklace.  That you stop on a Christian channel and actually listen to the message of the pastor.

Sometimes when you look around your life and look for the language of God you will start to see it.  If you believe it is there.  He speaks to you in a language that goes hidden to those who are self absorbed non believers.

Isn’t it amazing that although you don’t have riches to spare, you have a prayer of thanks over a simple meal.

And when you can barely pay your bills, you pray for help and a check for $2100 appears in your mail box.  And when you pray for Jesus to speak to your heart, you step into a tank of water in front of a hundred people to show your love for Jesus.  And he moves your heart to tears.

The language of love. The language of the heart.  When a beautiful Christian song brings you shaking to tears of love…   as opposed to the chitter chatter music of lyrics that mean nothing.

Prayers for the simple ability…. To exit. To be in the moment..  God speaks to us through a bird landing on the deck, through a beautiful sunrise, through our ability to see these things..  and realize that He is all around us.  In us, in our souls and minds.

I see angels, I see messages that make me have hope, I see bumper stickers everywhere that say “Jesus is Real”, “Believe”, “Miracles Happen”…

I hold my disabled child in my arms and I know that He is a child of God…too.  Just like all of us.  That through my faith, my strength, and my soul I can listen to the language that is being spoken to me.

Sometimes our sick world drowns the language…  with non believers, with anger, with stress, with selfish indulgences, and we don’t even realize the trap of the ego.   People who complain, whine, and whimper over their own problems. Worry, despair, loss of faith.  All of these things drown out the language of life.   

Peace… find a really peaceful place..  be grateful..and really look for all the things you are grateful for.  Open your eyes to all that is good, all that is wonderful…  all that is peaceful.  Pray to God to speak to your heart.  Pray for Jesus to teach you how to live. If you believe in some other force of life, pray to that force to help you. But don’t let the evils of self pity pull you away from the wonders that are a gift to you.  Look at how miraculous our world is…and is there a doubt that life is amazing?

I find, that when I find the place of peace.  The language is louder than ever.   I know that I have a place in this world, as a Christian, as a loving part of a purpose driven world.  I believe He speaks to me…and I choose to listen.  Do You.   Do you REALLY LISTEN?  Do you REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY listen.  Stop.  Be completely in the moment.  Let go of ego.  Say to yourself.  I AM.  I simply AM.   All that is within me…is life.   I am a part of the ebb and tide of the life force.  I AM.  Let it go.   Live.  Be alive.

As I write this, I look out my window at a fabulous yellow day lilly growing right outside of my window.  And a bird that has landed near it.  The green of the trees, the colors of my flowers.   And inside, the sounds of my heart…the children I have brought into this world…that I am so grateful for.

And the aches and pains that I felt when I woke up…are replaced with a grace and strength to work through it and trust in the language of God’s love and plan for me. 

Listen.  Listen to life…get beyond your ego…and really listen.  There is still time to change.  Still time to believe.  Still time to heal. Still time to live.

See that?   This morning…  Sarah (12 years old) was watching a touching video about Jesus….and it almost brought me to tears, inspiring me to write this even though I have a million “things” to do.. I chose to sit and write this down.

And it changed the course of my direction this morning,   Because I chose to listen when God speaks.

Do you?   Do you listen?  Let go of your pain, problems, self pity, ego, worries, fears, negativity…   let it go…if even for one moment.   And look for something beautiful that you never noticed before.

That something is probably right in front of your face.   And you now…are listening.  Keep listening.   Keep believing.

July 19, 2008