Daniel's on another day of extremely high fever and I am NOT happy with Connecticut Children's Medical Center Gastroenterology. They never returned our calls today and gave us direction. It's exhausting and one of the main reasons why I am pursuing care at the GI clinic at Yale New Haven Children's hospital instead. When your child is sick, it is imperative that the specialists call back, at least within the day. Daniel is very medically fragile. I'm exhausted.
And then, as I went to get Thomas from school they called to let us know that our schools in Newtown were put into lockdown due to a threatening call made to one of the schools. I had to wait a long time until I could get Thomas out of the Reed School. He had some anxiety and was upset. It's not easy to crouch and hide quietly not knowing what is happening. He told me it was flashbacks of how they were on 12/14.
Thomas and I went to Panera, sat down and talked over a snack, he's ok. And we are both just happy that no one was hurt. But in the faces and nervous chatter of the parents waiting for the kids to be "un locked" you can feel the underlying nervous energy. It will never be the same here....and the memories of those parents waiting that day at Sandy Hook School for their kids, will continue to haunt our hearts. I know my children are safe at school, but then again, we can never be too complacent.
I know Daniel's vital signs are ok. But then again, I can never be too complacent. Life is full of uncertainty. And as I've been dealing with some stress over the future and the present I have been guided by some dear friends back into the arms of faith. We can't control our future and what happens. Horrible things could happen at any second. But we can step out on faith and choose happiness over fear. Choose love over hate.All of the images of 12/14 came flooding back into my head today as I waited for Thomas. And I said a prayer for every parent of the angels who also received that call today knowing very well that there must have been some very anxious tears.
As I am curled up here in my bed sick with a fever, like Daniel, getting ready to sleep for a while until the nurse has to go home, I am surrounded by my most favorite things. My favorite blanket. My cat. My pillow. A view of green forest through billowing curtains. Pictures of my children. And I know that somehow all of the problems that haunt me will continue to haunt me if I continue to let them. All day today I prayed, and told myself that I was not going to freak out over money, or pressure, or emotions, and that I would continue to reach out to touch other hearts. And continue to try to get back to who I was before. Because for many years I have been in a lock down myself. My personality, my dreams, my love, my heart, my laughter, my energy, my enthusiasm, my deepest faith, have all been locked down and suppressed. I know this. And it's the fear of other people's anger and disappointment that has made me turn myself into a human robot. Until at moments I go on modified lock down, and let myself have a little bit of Julie to share.
I am not sure why Daniel is sick and miserable again. But I am completing this entry because I was told by someone here that I must sleep because I will be the one up all night.
Please pray for the wounded hearts that were opened with today's events. Pray for healing and for love.
Julie Ann Hasselberger
No comments:
Post a Comment