Choose Happiness

June 18, 2013

You know, sometimes you look back on your life and wonder things... holy crap how did I put up with this for so long?   I know I do.  Something happens, and things go bad and I react but my reaction becomes muted by the fact that I do not have an ounce of "anger" in me.  That is good.  That is also bad.  Sometimes, you need to get mad when someone or something is trying to affect your choice, to be happy.   And that happened to me yesterday.

Taking care of Daniel for all of these years has been a self-less act of compassion and motherhood that I would not trade for anything.  But wound into the spiral of emotions were deep things in my past which made me numb to things that would make most people cringe, pack a bag, and not look back.  And then there was the post traumatic stress from Daniel's 2 month old respiratory arrest in my arms from RSV.  Followed by years of the revealing of just how severe his condition was.  One thing after another, set back after set back.

When I gave birth to Thomas I was 35 years old.  And still grappling with PTSD and hereditary depression. I immediately sought treatment, and strengthened my personal spiritual connection with Jesus, and made a choice that I was not going to be unhappy.   All the while, someone very special to me kind of did the opposite.  Walked into the dark place and pouted.  Left his glass half empty, so to speak.  Years and years of jourrnaling is very powerful when you go back and read them.

I am now closing in on 47.  My daughter is graduating from high school and I feel like I have cheated her out of a "normal" life by tolerating the anger and depression, while I treated my own conditions.  I don't know what is right or what is wrong.  I am deluged by the work involved in maintaining Daniel's life.  And Thomas's life.  And for the past 4 years everything Sarah needed from a parent, she typically got from me.  I have watched her grow up. She is the most organized person I know, and that is 100% self motivated brilliance because I am just too flippant.  Now she faces college, and new adventures and I have no doubt in my mind that she will grab hold and go for it.  She's smart, she's going to find her way.  I feel proud in many ways that she has stayed so focused and driven.   But I feel guilty in other ways that her heart is sad and she has anxiety about many things.    Here's my take on this.  We are all independent.  I made very different independent choices as a young woman than my sisters did.  And it was all driven by my own inner spiritual drive and positive personality.  Nobody gave it to me.  It was just me.  Just like Sarah's strengths, and Thomas's too...  they have inherent things about them that have nothing to do with their parents.  Yes, our circumstances affect us, of course they do.  But we ultimately have a choice with how we handle that.

One child could feel incredible anxiety and willingly go with Mom to therapy to talk and figure out where those feelings are coming from and how can they be changed or controlled.

One child could keep emotions bottled up until they explode out in random raging outbursts, followed by long tearful guilty speeches about what they said.    And then refuse to talk about it further, resisting help.

And you worry, until one day, you over hear your emotional bottled up child watching documentaries on how to live a positive life.  Reading articles about making a choice to be happy.  The thought comes into your head, gosh, that kid is just so smart.  Making a CHOICE to research how other people find their way through the chaos.

Every human being is different.  But as a Mother my biggest hope is that they will learn how to love. How to see the wonder and beauty in life. That they will learn, and grow, and ask questions, and dig deeper into the complicated quest for how to "be".   Asking questions, talking openly, communicating, writing, singing, playing music...  all of those things tie into our emotional journey.

I see them like this.  And they see me like this.  I choose to write, to network, and to pray.  However, I have learned a great lesson from my incredible daughter.  I stopped my journey to be happy many years ago.  I am happy as a Mother, but not as Julie.   Where are my friendships, my smiles, my laughter?  Where are parties and cups of coffee and having someone to talk to? Gardens are dead. I'm 80 pounds overweight and I let stuff happen that I should not let happen.  I have given up and become a zombie person.  All of my focus on caring for, tending to, managing, the kids.  But no focus on  my journey of staying happy.  Perhaps when you see so many "unhappy" people, you become like a drone.

Sarah has a shining sparkle in her eyes that has become more brilliant lately.  She is pushing through "it", and deciding to make her choices her way.  The problems, yes, they are there.  And the blame, well, it will probably always fall on me.   But my kids are not slackers, they are talented amazing people,

The reality is, none of us are really sure of the right way to handle ourselves all the time. Who is perfect other than God?   I see in that sparkle a young woman who is going to go off to New York City and open a door to a bright new world.  Because SHE is going to choose to see her opportunity as just that.   Sure, we all have personality flaws don't we?  You can work on those things, like anxiety, or fear, or communication.

Having that inner strength, that inner almost spiritual reserve that you pull from to help you make your choices is what helps people move along on a journey of love and happiness.  Choosing Happiness is not just a catch phrase, but something that we all actually have.   And if I have taught her, or nourished in her one good thing, its that she is strong enough to choose the path of a good and meaningful life. You have to step out of your comfort zone, and pursue the unknown.

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Perhaps it always was meant to be.  I'm not sure where I have been quite honestly.  But my three children, well, I guess that's where I've been.  Julie needs to come back.  People who are sick, angry, isolating themselves, hurting others, not communicating, scowling, criticizing, threatening, and negative in their hearts.... those people do not know how to choose happiness.  Its very sad.  Its why people do horrible things, to themselves and to others. They go to a dark place, and they can't come back.

Sarah, Daniel, and Thomas all exemplify qualities of positive, forward thinking, problem solving strength.  Daniel, on a simpler level, but lets face it, he and I are mentally connected in ways I'm not sure I can write into words.

I found an article today, as I was browsing the internet.  And it made me think of Sarah.  And how she has been telling me, when I am crying or feeling hopeless, to choose happiness.   Choose Happiness. I love my children so much.