Sarah is at college in NYC. Thomas is at Middle School. Those two kids have moved along in their normal course, on the way making me a very proud Mom.
Daniel goes to school at a place called STARR. He's been there for years. STARR is basically a classroom for 4 severely disabled kids. It's housed in our Intermediate 5/6 school. And I guess its a good place for him given his situation. But I have days where I wonder if I'm making a mistake not sending him to regular high school.
Today I am home and feeling pretty depressed, and lonely. Henry and the cats are keeping me company. I am going to bring Henry over to Daniel's school to spend some time there. I'm sure that will cheer me up.
Life is so full of "I don't know" and "what if" and sometimes I wonder what if Daniel had not had a deformed brain. He would be a junior in highschool. Probably athletic like his Dad. I don't know.
The sun is making pretty colors through the leaves and here and there I see hint of color. Fall is on its way.
Well, Daniel is 15 almost 16 and I have so many things I wish I could be doing more of for him. Like aqua therapy, maybe horseback riding, maybe going on field trips to see things, maybe a new walker, handsome clothes, a swing that is his size, a bike that we both can ride in....
But this Julie... this Julie is sitting here at this moment feeling kind of sad. I have these headaches that don't go away. My right hip started randomly having bizarre pain and I really honestly just don't feel well. Most of the time. But its not Daniel. It's the stress of the world pressing in on me while I try to care for Daniel. Jeeze... they simply don't give you a break. And while most people just don't care, and turn away. Some people are kind and try to give comfort and care. Most of the time, I feel isolated. Even from my own relationships in my family. It starts to feel like the stress has removed components of love that once were there. Perhaps is just perception.
My children need me to be a strong, kind, supportive, encouraging role model. I don't rule by anger. I don't manage with threats. That will never be my personality. Never has.
But. I am staying right here, in this moment. Where I am at this table typing. I hear my windchimes outside. Two cats and a puppy all sleeping within a few feet of me. My body is full of pain today, and I either feel like sleeping or throwing up or crying. or nothing at all.
Going to bring Henry over to see Daniel at school. He brings joy. Sigh.
Having a special needs child changes the world. Changes your perception of life, and changes people's perception of you. For the Better, for the worse "I don't know". But I do know that the only option is to keep on trying. And Please God, please give me strength. Please, I don't understand why I am in such pain physically and emotionally. I should be the strong one. The role model. The leader.
For today, I am a lady walking a little black puppy named Henry.
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