Depression, when sad doesn't need a reason

One day you sit in your house and feel like there are a hundred things you should do, and people you should talk to, but you are frozen.  With no particular reason, the world just feels empty and flat.  Its hard to motivate yourself to do anything.  So you try to sleep.  Then the pretending kicks in. Pretend to smile.  Pretend to be busy.  Pretend to be "OK".  But you are sad.  Sometimes.

The medications help most days. But not all days.  Its just not that simple.  Most people say they understand but they really don't.  They expect that you should be behaving normally and being cheerful if you don't have a reason to be sad.   But even with reasons to be sad, those reasons are not necessarily why a person can feel like they are in a thick cloud of goo.  Just stuck.

When your brain doesn't have the right chemical balance, your perception of life is a direction reflection of what your brain is doing, or not doing.  Depression is not a choice.  It is an illness.  It makes you feel like a failure when you realize you have forgotten to do so many things of importance.

And then you reach hard for that ability you have worked so hard on. To meditate and be in the present moment.  To find joy and love all around you. To be grateful.  Its all work, but one slight change in perception can truly make a difference in your day.

I imagine everyone who suffers from chronic depression has people in their life who simply don't understand, or believe that it is even a "thing".  They consider you lazy, or "out of it", and tell you to "cheer up",  and "take a pill".   So you go to your therapy session, and after years of therapy you sit down, take a deep breath and wait for whatever is ready in your head, to just expel itself.

It does not mean you don't care about people.  It does not mean you don't love your family.  It does not mean you are incapable of living a happy functional life.  Because with treatment, and care, you can.  But it does mean that there will be rough patches.  And it does mean that there will set backs and things that just derail you.

The battle with choosing happiness over darkness is a daily game for someone who is depressed.  When you can win most days, you have developed great skills, and the medicine is helping.  And maybe you will be able to go for a walk that day, and actually get through your piles and piles and piles of insurance paperwork.  Feeling accomplished.

Other days, you have a crazy strong desire to be creative, to paint, or play the piano, to write poems or songs, to experiment with make up, to color in a coloring book, to buy a guitar even though you don't know how to play but want to.  Reaching out of your funk to have faith in "what can be"  Just allowing "whatever" to guide you.  Its all a possibility.

In some ways, depression is a way of slowing you down.  Because life can flitter by, just like that, and all you have done is paid bills, cleaned your house, done your work, and gone to the doctors. Day after day.  And you have not helped anyone, or laughed much, or created anything, or made a change in the world.   Depression requires that to make a happiness choice, you have to push through the walls of that "BOX" that society puts us in.    For me, I did that on the day Daniel was diagnosed as completely disabled.  My BOX blew up actually.   So I am making my way.

I never mean to forget things.  I love so deeply and care so much, but sometimes I forget to tell you.  I want to be better at that.  Sometimes depressed people hurt and anger the ones they love the most.  And they have such guilt about it.  Sometimes depressed people seem like the masses...  moving along like lemmings headed toward a cliff.  But they step out and turn around, and go back home.  They put on the TV and watch a Nicholas Sparks movie, and cry for 2 hours when they should be productive.   Altered reality I guess.  But it doesn't mean they are crazy.  They are just coping.

Some people in my own life do not know the extent of my depression, nor do I tell them.  Sometimes I talk about it.  But mostly, now, I deal with it.  My spouse will not come to my counseling, despite years of almost begging, because he could really help in my treatment.  But I think he's more depressed than I am, and afraid to face his own reality.   And he thinks its a stigma and that medication is a weakness.   So his anger stays, and my depression heads to the doctor, and the therapist.   Everyone has their own coping choices.

On my journey, I choose to find joy.  On the worst of days, I force myself to be grateful and joyful for a God who loves me, and a family that adores me.  There is joy everywhere.  With each little moment of joy, I find a peace that is warm, because its like following a path.  Or follwing little lights in the forest, they lead you to a new perception and a new way of looking at things.  And that leads you to more joy.  If you choose to follow, you are choosing to move towards light and happiness.

There are negatives and positives in life.  Sometimes, the things we think are the most positive, are actually toxic and dangerous for our hearts.  Sometimes things that seem hopeless and negative, are really opportunities to grow, to change, to learn, to feel joy, and to connect with humanity.

Finding joy in the journey.  Every day.  And sharing it. With you.

The lighthouse is there, I have NO DOUBT. But Depression will make you jump before you see it

today I have a million things to do but something is heavy on my mind.  Its Thursday June 19 2013.  Raising Daniel, in my life, has been a personal trial of ups and downs.  Emotionally, I have battled with my depression demons, at times it has even gotten to the point where I was almost lost to my sanity.  But deep deep within me a voice calls me out of this sad, dark and panic filled place. I pray for help. I talk and I write about the feelings inside me.  I make the call to my doctor.   I go immediately to seek medical care and counseling.  I have a flashlight to help me out of those dark woods, its batteries are called, Sarah, Daniel, Thomas, and Julie.

Or I have the image in my imagination of the ocean. We are a boat on the ocean and the world is filled with fog. Someone is screaming with anxiety and anger at me because I dropped the navigation tool into the water. As I pray and try to concentrate the frustration in the air escalates, buzzes, makes me dizzy, sweaty.  Then the swears and the threats. Someone kicks the side of the boat. I hold Daniel's hand and keep the inside piece of my brain steady. Steady. Eyes are focused, heart is protecting my focus. And there out of the darkness I see that lighthouse.  The frustrated passenger has long since jumped overboard.  It starts to rain and I have an image of that lighthouse guiding us in.  The children and I hovered over Daniel keeping him dry while we cry tears of joy.

I know that a happy life is not intended to be filled with negative despair.  No matter what you have or do not have, being happy is a choice. As I wrote about in the last two blogs.  Choice. Living a purpose driven life is our God given choice.  There is always hope when you have faith.

But sometimes, depression is NOT a choice. We can be depressed, just like we can have diabetes. It happens.  Regardless of the underlying causes such as childhood abuse, hereditary factors etc.  It happens. BUT ERGH!!!!  It is exasperating when I look at my life as a pursuit of great things, of love, of happiness, of friends, of family, of living the God intends us to live, of laughing, of joy, of seeing the beauty in life, of peace, of teamwork and togetherness.  And then once again, it happens, whatever IT is that falls under the category of either anger, pessimism, frustration, disgust, annoyance, avoidance, isolation, disappointment...  etc etc

I know we have all of these things in life, of course I know. I am seriously not that altruistic. But I do know that being able to forgive and surpass and continue on a road of resolution is what sets apart the dark from the light.  Yes, there is the "choose Happiness" reference again.

I am perplexed and astonished that I have turned a cheek to the depression in my home for so long.  There is no way to excuse or explain it. I am raising a severely medically fragile child, a teenage daughter and a 12 year old son.  Their mental health and emotionally stability is critical as life moves forward.

How can I provide them with the most love and support I can, if I face them with depression, anger, saddness, and hopelessness.  That is not, never will be, never can be a possibility.  I have goals, and dreams, and focus. I know who I am, and where I want to be.   But I have a spouse who is not on common ground with me.   How do we tell the difference between depression and abuse if the person never communicates what is in their heart?   I conclude that it is not our job to define the distinction. It is our job to protect ourselves and do the best WE can to follow the road out of the dark woods. Fast. Even run if we can.  Pushing that wheelchair, over the bumps, rocks and roots I will not let it get my innocent boy.

Look for signs of irritability and bad temper. Depressed men typically don't express their feelings. This leaves them feeling irritable and short-tempered.

Look for signs of withdrawal and isolation from other people. Depressed men tend to spend more time alone, watching TV, playing computer games, and pursuing solitary activities.


I am just Julie. Not a doctor. I can not  diagnose. What I can do is research, read, watch documentaries, talk to my therapist, be aware, and be informed. I know what the symptoms of depression are.  I know what verbal abuse is.  I have 20 years of journals that document these events, as well as the joyful events.

When you love someone , you want so badly for them to be your soul mate, your life partner but they are lost deep in a hole somewhere you just cant reach them.  I'm not sure what to do.  The hole is too deep and they keep taking your rope and throwing it back up at you.

So I've read that I need to take care of me.  Take care of the kids.  Teach my kids that they HAVE A CHOICE as to how they can proceed with life and there past does not have to define their future.  Choose Happiness, is the strength to make a choice to step out of our box and into a world of new and bright possibilities.

Some thoughts, and some facts.  If you have someone in your world who you feel is depressed but denies it, rejects it, is getting worse, and won't listen to you.  You are not alone.

Words can hurt worse than physical wounds people!!!!

Whoever made up that rhyme about “sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me” was just plain wrong! Words do hurt. They can break a person on the inside just as surely as a whack with a stick bruises the outside. People who are subjected to verbal abuse suffer. People who are subjected to it over time can get so used to it that they lose their sense of themselves as people worth loving. If you see yourself in any of these stories, know you are not alone. There are things you can do.

Some Things to look for, things that make you go, hmmmmmmm

·                      Irritability
Almost everyone becomes irritable now and then. The reasons are almost without number. A headache, a bad night's sleep, an upcoming dentist appointment, an unexpected bill -- any stressor can bring it on. But when there is no apparent reason why the least little thing becomes an annoyance, and the mood persists for days or weeks, look for depression as the cause.

·                      Anger
Anger is irritability pushed to an extreme. In depression, a person may explode over what might otherwise be a mild irritant -- or over nothing at all. It may be a brooding anger that comes to a boil over something seemingly harmless. If anger lasts or becomes frightening or violent, seek help for yourself or your loved one as soon as possible.

·                      Worry/Anxiety
This may present in a number of ways. For example, a person may seize on a few daily items and worry obsessively about them. Do I have enough sleeping pills? What will we have for dinner? Did I put gas in the car? Another form is responding to every issue with anxiety. I have to call the plumber -- what if he can't come today? I'd better leave early for my appointment in case the traffic is bad. Or it could be a more generalized anxiousness, perhaps accompanied by the racing thoughts that are more commonly associated wit

·                      Pessimism Pessimism means taking a negative view of everything. It's going to be another bad day. Nobody likes me. There's no point in applying for that job. In the case of depressive pessimism, the negativity is exaggerated all out of proportion with reality: There's no reason for it to be a bad day, some people do like you, and whether you're depressed or not, you might have a good chance of landing the job.

·                      Indifference
Simply put, indifference is not caring. The laundry piles up, the bills aren't paid, and you don't care. A friend calls with a problem, and you can only make polite noises or sit and listen silently, the words not really penetrating your shell of indifference. In depression, it isn't even so much that you don't care as that you can't care.

·                      Self-Criticism
Everyone has flaws -- but in this mood, your flaws seem magnified and you find flaws that aren't there. "I look tired today" becomes I'm ugly. "I've made a mistake in balancing the checkbook" becomes I'm an idiot with numbers. Forgot to feed the cat? I'm worthless. If you hear yourself or your bipolar loved one frequently saying overly negative things about him or herself, let it be a warning signal to you that depression is taking over.

It's important to know the characteristics of depression so that you can identify them as symptoms of a depressive episode when they occur, whether in yourself or in someone for whom you care or are responsible. Recognizing the symptoms as signs of depression can sometimes help to alleviate them; knowing what to look for means you can seek help that much sooner.h mania or hypomania. Anxiety is frequently associated with being indecisive..

So I am trying very hard to come to grips with this.  Because I love my children more than the air I breathe.  But I have reached the brink where I can't connect with the depressed person in my home.  They deny it. They won't take the rope. They won't listen. They won't talk. They won't try. They simply don't speak of it.  And if I "expect them to seek help, I am sadly mistaken."

And I turn focus back onto to the fact that I am raising Daniel, my sweet severely disabled angel, in a home where there is a spiritual battle going on.  This is a battle that I refuse to lose. I have given my worries and fears up to you Lord. You have continued to help me, to provide, to guide.  So Shall I.

When the day of reckoning comes, and they me to rest, I will be remembered as a woman who worked hard to foster the skills of choosing happiness and stepping upward and forward.  No matter what it took.

And that is enough for today my friends.  If you wish to comment or talk, I am always open.  Hugs and please remember that life is beautiful. We are all as important as the sun and the stars and the moon.

This is by no means implying that I do not love the person I am trying to help. I love him very much.  He just refuses to see my view.  Now, what do I do?  What do I do? I have to keep taking care of my beautiful children no matter what.  That's what. Tomorrow I will once again be saying, what do I do? But I will be a little bit stronger and smarter.