Depression, when sad doesn't need a reason

One day you sit in your house and feel like there are a hundred things you should do, and people you should talk to, but you are frozen.  With no particular reason, the world just feels empty and flat.  Its hard to motivate yourself to do anything.  So you try to sleep.  Then the pretending kicks in. Pretend to smile.  Pretend to be busy.  Pretend to be "OK".  But you are sad.  Sometimes.

The medications help most days. But not all days.  Its just not that simple.  Most people say they understand but they really don't.  They expect that you should be behaving normally and being cheerful if you don't have a reason to be sad.   But even with reasons to be sad, those reasons are not necessarily why a person can feel like they are in a thick cloud of goo.  Just stuck.

When your brain doesn't have the right chemical balance, your perception of life is a direction reflection of what your brain is doing, or not doing.  Depression is not a choice.  It is an illness.  It makes you feel like a failure when you realize you have forgotten to do so many things of importance.

And then you reach hard for that ability you have worked so hard on. To meditate and be in the present moment.  To find joy and love all around you. To be grateful.  Its all work, but one slight change in perception can truly make a difference in your day.

I imagine everyone who suffers from chronic depression has people in their life who simply don't understand, or believe that it is even a "thing".  They consider you lazy, or "out of it", and tell you to "cheer up",  and "take a pill".   So you go to your therapy session, and after years of therapy you sit down, take a deep breath and wait for whatever is ready in your head, to just expel itself.

It does not mean you don't care about people.  It does not mean you don't love your family.  It does not mean you are incapable of living a happy functional life.  Because with treatment, and care, you can.  But it does mean that there will be rough patches.  And it does mean that there will set backs and things that just derail you.

The battle with choosing happiness over darkness is a daily game for someone who is depressed.  When you can win most days, you have developed great skills, and the medicine is helping.  And maybe you will be able to go for a walk that day, and actually get through your piles and piles and piles of insurance paperwork.  Feeling accomplished.

Other days, you have a crazy strong desire to be creative, to paint, or play the piano, to write poems or songs, to experiment with make up, to color in a coloring book, to buy a guitar even though you don't know how to play but want to.  Reaching out of your funk to have faith in "what can be"  Just allowing "whatever" to guide you.  Its all a possibility.

In some ways, depression is a way of slowing you down.  Because life can flitter by, just like that, and all you have done is paid bills, cleaned your house, done your work, and gone to the doctors. Day after day.  And you have not helped anyone, or laughed much, or created anything, or made a change in the world.   Depression requires that to make a happiness choice, you have to push through the walls of that "BOX" that society puts us in.    For me, I did that on the day Daniel was diagnosed as completely disabled.  My BOX blew up actually.   So I am making my way.

I never mean to forget things.  I love so deeply and care so much, but sometimes I forget to tell you.  I want to be better at that.  Sometimes depressed people hurt and anger the ones they love the most.  And they have such guilt about it.  Sometimes depressed people seem like the masses...  moving along like lemmings headed toward a cliff.  But they step out and turn around, and go back home.  They put on the TV and watch a Nicholas Sparks movie, and cry for 2 hours when they should be productive.   Altered reality I guess.  But it doesn't mean they are crazy.  They are just coping.

Some people in my own life do not know the extent of my depression, nor do I tell them.  Sometimes I talk about it.  But mostly, now, I deal with it.  My spouse will not come to my counseling, despite years of almost begging, because he could really help in my treatment.  But I think he's more depressed than I am, and afraid to face his own reality.   And he thinks its a stigma and that medication is a weakness.   So his anger stays, and my depression heads to the doctor, and the therapist.   Everyone has their own coping choices.

On my journey, I choose to find joy.  On the worst of days, I force myself to be grateful and joyful for a God who loves me, and a family that adores me.  There is joy everywhere.  With each little moment of joy, I find a peace that is warm, because its like following a path.  Or follwing little lights in the forest, they lead you to a new perception and a new way of looking at things.  And that leads you to more joy.  If you choose to follow, you are choosing to move towards light and happiness.

There are negatives and positives in life.  Sometimes, the things we think are the most positive, are actually toxic and dangerous for our hearts.  Sometimes things that seem hopeless and negative, are really opportunities to grow, to change, to learn, to feel joy, and to connect with humanity.

Finding joy in the journey.  Every day.  And sharing it. With you.

Bed

How a depressed person thinks:

Lately things have been rough for me. In my head. In my mind. When I have money stress it pushes me down a dark tube into depression. Because I can't do regular jobs like most people. Because my disabled child may be fine today, nut not tomorrow. Because I had a job but now they can't pay me and I'm behind. A lot.  I am helping Sarah go to Italy for school. No matter what it takes. No matter what else has to suffer. She gets a class credit for going and she is a brilliant kid who deserves it.   So I will somehow make the payment.  But it's the rest of life that has made me want to retreat to my bed.

Everyday when the kids are off to school and John is off to work, I have coffee and it's lonely and dark in the house. Except for my animals. All I want to do is go back to bed. Today, I did. I would still be there if I didn't have to pick up Thomas. 

I feel like my situation is too hard for me to manage. I can't find my superwoman cape anywhere. Maybe there is crypto it's under my house. But all I want to do is sleep. I can't go shopping (no money) I should be going to probate court for Daniel, cleaning, cooking, scheduling appointments, calling equipment suppliers, exercising, looking for a job, being.happy jovial person.  There are so many "should be doing things". And John adds to my list, you can fold the towels today. Ok. I brought them up from the dryer.  But I don't feel like folding. I don't feel like eating. Actually I had an apple today and it's 2:38pm. And I am not hingry at all.  Considering I'm a fat person this is highly unusual. 

My bed has lots of pillows. And soft lights above the headboard. I can block out everybody in my bed. Henry stays with me and snuggles. I should be put walking.  Today it's raining so I guess that wouldn't have happened.

I should be praying for help or calling a doctor about my psychosis. But I'm just numb.   I'm tired of trying to do the money and th money never being there. I feel hopeless because I worked for a month and didn't get paid. The bank says I am overdrawn. I don't have a debit card.   I'll never go into the branch again. They were so rude to me last week. 

Nothing is perfect here. This life doesn't fit into the square Holes of regular normal people.  Daniels mic key button clogged this morning. I cleared it with a tooth pick. 

I can't remember the last time I had my hair colored. It looks awful. Really awful. I think it's been 3 days since I showered. I will shower later because I feel gross. I am gross.  My job told me not to come to work anymore right now. Money is tight. It's tight all over I guess.  Except for the Mom I am looking at in the parking lot of my sons school in her Giant fancy Lexus sport utility. Chatting on her phone. Her nails are amazing and she has gorgeous hair. I wonder who she is talking to becaus she looks happy.  I'm a grunge pit.  My pants have bleach stains and my sweatshirt is torn. I used to like to dress now.  Now I just wear old clothes. 

My bed. If I went back there right now I would fall asleep instantly. It's all I really feel like doing. It's pouring rain outside. 

Thomas is helping the middle school band.  Sarah texted me that she got an interview with CBS.  

There are so many things I should be doing.  Join wants me to apply for full time HR jobs. I don't see how that could work. But he's adamant that it should go back to how it was before. Back before Daniel was medically fragile and I made a lot of money. But it's different now.  The stress is greater. 

When I go out I pretend. Smile. Look happy.   I have $10. Extra bucks. I should go buy some chocolate. And go home and go back to bed. My favorite time of the day is bed time. I love my bed. And al my pillows. I feel loved and safe there.  I'm waiting in my car. For Thomas. It's raining. I just want to close my eyes and sleep. Right here. In this car.  But I would prefer my bed.