KEEP PUSHING KEEP FIGHTING

sometimes I just get tired.   Its too hard.  Too much.  So much pressure.  So much expense. So little money. So tired. So little sleep.  I worry that I am just going to die suddenly and things will be a mess and I will just be worn out to survive.  So I keep pushing.  Keep fighting.  This is my life.  Taking care of this family.  Making sure they are all OK...   Keeping those smiles coming..  brains engaged.   I lost myself years ago, and have sort of, kinda found myself again.    Taking care of another person full time is a lot for the soul to bare, but love can move mountains.   And I just want to make a difference in a joyful way.    



All I really wanted was to have a house, a family, a simple life.  But it would be a dream from heaven if I could go to Ireland to see Sarah for 4 days ( she wants me to) and even though I got my passport, I just have so many expenses.  John's hospital bill was $1100 for example.  And our deductibles are $5000.  It just keeps going up and up.    Social security gives me pennies for Daniel, way less than I ever thought he would get.  So that doesnt' help.   Trying to figure it out.  Juggle juggle... no fun, no relaxing, no vacation, just always caring and giving.      Sometimes, a person can start to feel really lonely this way.    Who do I talk to ?   My you tube channel and my therapist, and my sister.  



Because I never want John to worry.  He's a good man.  Working hard, tirelessly.  too.   The financial end is the hard part.  Because if you have to care for a special needs person, you can't work full time, their care is a full time job.  But then you can't work.     You get to a point where it seems like its all getting set and coming together... and then it all falls completely apart and you have start over,  



I would love to sell and move out of the north that is terrorizing my health and Daniel's.  But I literally stuck right now.     Trying.  Pushing.  Maybe someday I will open my mailbox and a miracle will happen.  I am working on the good karma vibes.   But BOY does the anxiety attack you like a swarm of bees every time you check your bank account.     Freaking sucks.  Then you have to find the positive mood again.   My entire life has been a financial upheaval....  what makes now any different.



I guess I'm just getting older.   And I have to push even harder and harder and harder.... to maybe someday have some time to relax, and enjoy the sunshine.   Do you think it will ever be easier?   Anyhow.  I have lots of love, and people around who care....no matter how rich we are.  or poor.

Daniel is the love of my life, and he deserves a good quality of life.   So yes, the career had to go, and this is the life...  the way it is supposed to be.    I just have to get better.  And keep trying.  And keep pushing.     Thank God my husband loves me.



Please subscribe.   I'm trying.  I really am.  I mean really really really trying.