All I can say is that this has been a long and cold and snowy winter. It snowed today. And yesterday. I don't know about other people around here, but I am so DONE with that stuff.
My head hurts and it just feels like I need to spill. So much, every day, and how I accomplish things is really a mystery to me. I just go into some magic portal and transform myself into a mystic being I guess.
From homeowners insurance to medical bills. From medical bills to mortgage modification applications, from applications to tax returns, from tax returns to FAFSA forms. And then, hi ho, hi ho its off to the doctor we go, to see Daniel's spine and what has now been determined to be a large cyst on his tail bone area. Doctors, dentists, eye care, home repairs, house work, WORK oh yes, I have work too. When I can get there. When I can't go to work I feel guilty because I know it is an imposition of great magnitude to the place that I work. Get the picture? Anxiety now. Not sleeping. Trying to do mindfulness and prayer. And a friend sent me a nice suggestion of making vlogs about things I am grateful for, I like that.
But honestly, to be me, is the equivalent of being many different people all working on multitudes of levels all of the time. It's more than a Mom juggle when you have a child who is completely dependent upon you for basically, his complete survival.
I'm eating too many cookies and my hair looks like crap. I can't stay on a diet for the life of me, and I am supposed to because my sugar is too high. I want to scream and run around the house like a crazy loon, but I'm too tired.
Just when I finally establish that it is OK for me to go try to sleep.... the dog has to go out. So instead of into bed, I go outside into the cold.
And that is how the cookie crumbles. Crap. Now I want cookies. It's just hard folks. Very very hard and I am pulled and yanked in a million very necessary directions. I'm only human. I break down. I get depressed. I pull up my boot straps and keep on keeping on.
If it would just STOP SNOWING. I can't even think about Easter, nor do I feel like doing anything holiday related. Why am I holiday phobic now? I think because its just one more gosh darn CHORE to add to my already overflowing bucket of overflowing.
Rest and relax would be nice. I just don't want any more anxiety dumped on my head. Opened up the mail to some major medical bills for all of my blood work, and almost did the crazy run. But there was just no time for that, no time for showering either. I had to hurry to bring the baritone sax to the middcle school, drive to Norwalk to see Daniel's doctor, and race back like a crazy nut in a big big van to get to Thomas IN TIME after his lesson.
And for a half an hour Daniel screamed in the van. I stopped and ate McDonalds. and then I hated myself for it. But I was starving and stressed. This is why I am fat. I am sick, exhausted, stressed, lonely, frazzled, addicted to food, and unable to delve into anything that is self help related because it is just too much for me to swallow.
F you snow.
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