When you don't know what to do.

Today's post is called...  sometimes I don't know what to do.

And sometimes is often these days.  Did you ever find yourself alone with your time, and you have multitudes of responsibilities and just shut down.  Just close.  Or you kind of go numb, and feel empty of ideas.  Even as you stare at a desk covered with papers, forms, and lists of things to do.  You can't start.  Even as you walk through every room  of your house and make note of the cobwebs in the corners and the piles of laundry and rugs covered by cat hair.  You can't seem to find the vaccuum.  Or even try searching for it.

Even as you start up your car, and the engine light comes on, and the head light is out and you have barely any gas, you decided to turn off the car. And go back into the house.

I'm not sure what happens, when that happens.  I'm a very intelligent and highly educated person.  Years of college and a Masters degree.  I've always had my head on straight.  

But I'm 47 years old.  The mother of three.  I've overcome many physical obstacles, and have mental demons I am still keeping under control.  I try to do the best that I can.  But I feel like I am not really quite sure what my role is anymore.   Although I know, of course, that I am a Mother...  advocate, and all of that.  I just feel like the complete responsibility for home and family and disabled child sucks out my brain cells and I just stop.  

Today, I was walking Henry around the back yard.  We have two chairs facing into the woods out there, because sometimes John lights a bon fire in the pit.   I sat in the chair.  Stared at the woods.  And felt, absolutely nothing.  I said a prayer, because it felt like a good peaceful time to do it.  So I  suppose I did feel the presence of the holy spirit.

But when I came into the house my head was pounding like 50 snare drums were banging in my head.  I looked at the dishes, and opened the mail (bills of course), and managed to put a load of laundry in.  The puppy follows me everywhere, watching, waiting to see what I'll do next.

I don't know what I'll do next.   Is there something I was supposed to do?  Probably.

Perhaps its just time to embrace the fact that sometimes, there are moments where nothingness takes over. Like when a car has all of these problems, and then suddenly it just dies on you.  And you roll to a stop... and its dead silent in there.  And you don't know what to do.  Except call for help.  But your cell phone is dead.  Silence.

It's only for awhile.  Because I will soon be triggered back into my reality by a phone call, or someone coming home from school, or a text message, or a dog barking.   Like someone throwing a cold glass of water on my head.

Life is just like that.  Are we wired to go dysfunctional when we just can't handle it anymore?  Like when you computer gets too hot and shuts off?  Maybe.

Julie do this. Julie do that.  Julie call this guy.  Julie put this on your list.  Julie did you call the blank, blank blank? Julie what is the status of the "blank". Mrs. Hasselberger please call me back to discuss the information for Daniels hospital appointment, Mrs. Hasselberger..this is Linda from professional home care, Mrs. Hasselberger this is Amanda from ATG rehab, Julie Daniels finger lost circulation in his hand splint, Julie Daniel has no more wipes, Julie fill out these forms, Julie Daniel hasnt been to the dentist in a year....

And.  I suddenly, don't know what to do.  So I decide to simply blog about it.  Made the choice what to do.   Write about when I don't know what to do.

And isn't life just like that sometimes.  Maybe it's God's way of saying... STOP...  you are putting too much pressure on yourself.

So, I look into the little face of the puppy sent to us from an angel.  I've got him in my arms and his soft hair is like cotton.  He is the cutest darn puppy I've ever seen.  And he is waiting for me.  So I am going to spend time with him.  Let's go Henry.  Let's go play fetch in the front yard and work on your skills.

And time keeps moving on.