Lucky Penny

The lucky penny.  Whenever I see a penny on heads, I pick it up, say a prayer for financial protection and keep it.  If the penny is on tails, I turn it over and say a prayer for the next person to have the luck.

Life as me, is complicated.  It's a journey filled with twists and turns, details and management, and so much to do and work on.  In the midst of what I call "Daniel business" I often get so overwhelmed and have to sleep.  I do pretty well when I know that there is enough money to cover the household bills, groceries, clothes, insurance co pays, gas, that kind of stuff.  But every once in awhile there is a time when there just isn't quite enough.  It is in part due to the focus of my attention.  When I have some money and can relax I then get my head wrapped around the details and perplexities of Daniel's situation.  It truly is, without a doubt, quite complex.

When I run into crisis, like when I can't work due to work cutbacks, or lack of nurses, its a spiral effect.  And then Daniel needs wipes, supplies, etc.  Something happened to my cash flow.  I have to go back through 1000 transactions and bills to figure it out.  Life adds up so fast.  Especially here in this part of the state.  I am a full time caregiver first and foremost.  I do not get paid.  I get debited.  Its rocky now, because my fragile child is 16.  Raising money for his needs and the survival of our support structure was miraculous when he was little.  Today, I don't know what to do because there are very little responses.

This is one of those mornings where sleep is sounding better and better, and its 8am.  My husband and kids are sound asleep, snuggled in.  Daniel and I are awake.  Henry too.
Sunday morning should be a time of rest and family.  All I can think about is how can I get money back into my account.  Switching to a new health insurance coverage plan has required that I pay for every bit of mental health treatment up front due to a huge deductible.

Money is a stress that eats at your mind and heart.  It causes anxiety.  And when you have it, it provides relief.  Being a one income family so that I can care for Daniel is a choice we made.  Today, it would be incredibly to be able to concentrate on Daniel, but instead, I'm worried about not having enough money for my husband to do the things he wants to do.  I really do need help.  I don't feel invalidated, because I have this child who needs 100% of his mother.  But the people who could help, ignore me, because I've needed help before.  in the awkwardness of life, how do you let people understand that Daniel's condition is worsening not improving over time.  The need is there.

Have a tag sale? So much work.  Oh man.  I will just pray that things will come together.

Daniel is laughing right now.  Its a happy, belly laughing cheerfulness.  Priceless this kid.  I don't know how, but I am going to believe that somehow miracles will persist, even as time goes by and we all get older.  Miracles are for everyone, not just when they are babies.

Time to have more coffee and fight off my insidious depression with a dose of Daniels laughing.